I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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