just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
