Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
well you can't waste a boner
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
