i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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