we made out on top of his cat.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
