Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize