forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I'm passing your future prison.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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