I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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