Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
