im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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