I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Boobs speak an international language.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
