I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Randomize
