I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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