Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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