Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
accomplished twins. life is a go
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
