you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
