remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
