i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
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