I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Randomize
