the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
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