Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
So many bounce houses so little time
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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