I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize