i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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