I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
