i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
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