Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
