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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
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