You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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