Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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