i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
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