Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
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