I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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