"it" just moved
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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