If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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