I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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