My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
