lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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