i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
