The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
nutella sex= disaster
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
