I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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