when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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