in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
