I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
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