A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
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