First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
