Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
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