Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
