i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
