They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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