Umm I'm too high to move.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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