I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
