I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
