Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
