If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
