I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
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