I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
