are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
