Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
