mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
