I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
